Still Loved documentary Wins ‘Award of Excellence’ in Impact DOCS Awards Competition
Sheffield based Debbie Howard of Big Buddha Films has won a prestigious Award of Excellence, from The Impact DOCS Awards Competition. The award was given for Debbie Howard’s compelling documentary Still Loved, which explores the complexity and reality for families surviving baby loss. Giving an unexpected voice to bereaved fathers, who speak candidly for the first time providing an additional perspective to that offered by mothers, grandparents and siblings. This is a brave, inclusive and ultimately life affirming film, for anyone that has ever, or will ever, lose someone they love.
“We are thrilled to receive this award. Still Loved has been an incredibly challenging film to make due to the stigma and taboo surrounding stillbirth. Our team have worked passionately on this film for three years working closely with the seven families featured in the film. After being told many times not to make this film and that there is no audience for it, we released the film into cinemas last year to packed houses and many sold out screenings. We received fantastic reviews in the press and receiving this award is a great endorsement for us. Unless people see this film, attitudes towards baby loss won’t change, and it desperately needs to. We hope now that one of the national television channels will be courageous enough to broadcast this film so that it reaches a wider audience and breaks the silence around baby loss, which affects thousands of families every year. Thanks so much for this incredible award.” – Director, Debbie Howard.
★★★★ The Guardian “Remarkable Candour”
★★★★★ Vulture Hound “Vital viewing”
Impact DOCS recognizes film, television, videography and new media professionals who demonstrate exceptional achievement in craft and creativity, and those who produce standout entertainment or contribute to profound social change. Documentaries were received from 30 countries, including veteran award winning filmmakers and fresh new talent. Entries were judged by highly qualified and award winning professionals in the film and television industry.
In winning an Impact DOCS award, Big Buddha Films joins the ranks of other high-profile winners of this internationally respected award including the Oscar winning director Louie Psihoyos for his 2016 Best of Show – Racing Extinction, Oscar winner Yael Melamede for (Dis)Honesty – The Truth About Lies, and Emmy Award winner Gerald Rafshoon for Endless Corridors narrated by Oscar winner Jeremy Irons, and many more.
Rick Prickett, who chairs Impact DOCS, had this to say about the latest winners,“The judges and I were simply blown away by the variety and immensely important documentaries we screened. Impact DOCS is not an easy award to win. Entries are received from around the world from powerhouse companies to remarkable new talent. Impact DOCS helps set the standard for craft and creativity as well as power catalysts for global change. The goal of Impact DOCS is to help winners achieve the recognition they deserve for their dedication and work.”
We’re delighted that Still Loved won the ‘Best Documentary’ award at High Peak Independent Film Festival this weekend. With tough competition from some other feature docs, we’re thrilled to have been honoured with this award, giving recognition to the film and also to stillbirth and baby loss.
Big thanks to Festival Director Nicole Pott and her team at HPIFF 2017 for their hard work and hospitality at this festival.
I’ve just completed the Still Loved Tour and I’m writing this blog to let you know my thoughts and how it all went and give some useful tips and advice to independent filmmakers out there who are self distributing their own films. We have an international Sales Agent, CatnDocs, but we split rights with them right at the beginning so we could do the UK ourselves. So this relates to our UK release only.Throughout the making of this film we’ve been told there is no audience. No one will want to watch this film. I always knew that was wrong, but the tour has proved that, which makes me very happy.
As this is the first time I have released a feature length documentary, I learned a huge amount along the way. Firstly, how important it is to have a budget for your release. Because we struggled financially to complete Still Loved we had completely run out of money for this part of the process. So make sure you budget for your release. Luckily, we were given a grant of £10,000 from a very helpful charity called the Jessica Mathers Trust, due to the subject matter of the film. Without this, we couldn’t have done this, so my thanks goes out to them. £10,000 may seem a lot, but there is so much to pay for to get a film out there.
Firstly, we hired a booker, Martin Myers of Miracle Communications, who we met when we attended the incredibly useful Distribution Rewired at Edinburgh Film Festival in June. Distribution Rewired is all about self distribution and new ways of doing this. Ran by the wonderful Beatrice Neumann. I would highly recommend attending for great ideas and advice. Martin is very experienced at booking films into cinemas and has great contacts. He watched Still Loved and really liked the film so agreed to come on board and help us get the film into cinemas. Next we hired a team of publicists to use their skills and expertise to help us get some good press for the film. We worked with Multitude Media. I had met Will Wood at Distribution Rewired the year before and he had expressed an interest in the film, so I got back in touch and he agreed to come on board to help us. We worked with his team, mainly Emily Brazee, and also Amy Melson and Lucy Miller too.
It was vital to us to release the film in October, during baby loss awareness month, with an emphasis on the 15th October, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. We knew this would give us maximum opportunities for press and publicity.
The wonderful Tommy’s Baby Charity also offered their help and supporting during the release of the film, and we worked with Hannah Blake and Siobhan Gray who did so much to help us spread the word.
Multitude Media, Martin Myers, Hannah and I all met together in London in September to discuss a strategy and who would do what. I told them all I knew and linked them up to all the baby loss support groups and we all shared our contacts, knowledge and expertise to maximise our efforts in making as big a splash as we could with the film.
After the meeting Tommy’s shared lot’s of information about the film in their news letters and I wrote some blogs for them. Multitude prepared their press release and started to send this out to various newspapers, magazines, radio shows and television companies. Martin got to work on booking us into cinemas and I did all I can to contact everyone I could think of to help us.
Things were slow to start. Over the next few weeks we had an incredibly disappointing response from cinemas, who, as usual with this subject matter of stillbirth, shied away from screening Still Loved. Some sent a one line email saying things like: “There is no interest in this subject matter” which really annoyed me. I wrote a lot of emails back telling them why they were wrong. This changed things with some cinemas, but not others. Unfortunately, only 5 cinemas were brave enough to book the film directly. There were a couple of others that were interested but couldn’t program us until next year. We wanted to strike while we had our publicists on board so needed to make sure as many of them were in October as possible. The cinemas that booked us directly were Sheffield Showroom, Nottingham Broadway, London Picturehouse Central, Belfast Queen’s Theatre and Derby Quad. Big thanks to all of those cinemas for being brave enough to take a risk on the film.
Another company I had met at Distribution Rewired were Ourscreen. This was an interesting new model where you book the cinema directly through them, and you have to sell a certain amount of tickets before a deadline. If you don’t sell them the screening gets cancelled. If you do sell them, it gets confirmed and goes ahead. We decided to book a lot of screenings through them as 5 cinemas weren’t enough for our tour. Working with Ourscreen was difficult at first, because no one really wants to buy a cinema ticket 4 or 6 weeks before a screening and trying to convince people was very difficult, so I wasn’t sure at first this was going to work.
Some of the cinemas only needed you to sell around 25 – 30 tickets. Others were much higher and one, Cardiff Vue required 97 tickets to be sold in advance, a crazy amount! So I pretty much lived on social media for the next few weeks, tweeting, facebooking, contacting as many useful organisations as possible to let them know about the screenings. Let me tell you one thing about Ourscreen: If you just book a cinema and leave it at that, nothing will happen. It will be cancelled. Expect to do an enormous amount of work promoting the screenings. For anyone that’s ran a successful crowdfunding campaign, it’s similar and as much hard work.
During this time we had a massive problem with the DCP (Digital Cinema Print) not being formatted properly and we had to keep having it remade to the right format for various cinemas. This swallowed up a big chunk of the budget that we were hoping to keep to be able to cover the 6 weeks I had to take off paid work to do the tour. The money was disappearing fast.
We also had to get the film classified at BBfc which again, which again is very expensive. You also have to have it classified for DVD and VOD as well. Note that if you can work with a charity and go through them, you can get a much lower rate. Tommy’s very kindly let us do this through them which saved us quite a chunk of money. So depending on the subject of your film, this could be an option for you.
We then had to re design the poster and flyers and get those printed. The budget was dwindling fast.
We started to see some success with Ourscreen and many of the screenings started to get confirmed, which was fantastic. Multitude Media were working wonders with press by this point and we had started to get some fantastic national press and reviews, and some local press to for individual screenings. All of a sudden, after a terrible start, things started to go crazy! The tour started and our World Premiere was at AMC Cinema in Manchester. The next few weeks were a whirlwind of dashing up and down the country, doing press interviews, radio shows and screenings followed by Q&A’s.
We redesigned the poster once some of the reviews came in. I was delighted that we got a four star review in the Guardian and many other highly acclaimed reviews and articles in the Observer, Little White Lies, The Lancet, The Mirror and others. You can read these on our website if you look through our previous blogs, they are all listed.
“There is no interest in the subject”. Those words kept ringing in my ears. I’m delighted to say that we totally proved those programmers wrong. We sold out at many of our screenings and often had to be moved to bigger screens to accommodate the audience. The ones that weren’t sold out were extremely well attended. We even managed to pull off Cardiff, with the 97 pre sold tickets, which was fantastic. Ourscreen works incredibly well for a film of this kind, where you know there is an audience, but the gatekeepers won’t let you in. As long as you’re prepared to put the work in, it’s a great way to get your film into cinemas.
At every screening we had a Q&A afterwards. This was enormously important I felt. We always had an panel consisting of either one or more of the parents from the film, or a bereaved parent from the local area, baby loss befrienders or support workers from Tommy’s, Sands or Our Angels, or a bereavement midwife, sometimes senior consultants like Alexander Heazell from Tommy’s, myselt and sometimes our Producers Polly Perkins or Colin Pons. We had different Chair people leading the discussion at each screening. This led to some very interesting questions and discussion after the film and some of the Q&A’s went on for up to an hour.
I was absolutely delighted with the response from the audiences as well as the reviews from the press. At every screening we gave out feedback forms and asked the audience to rate the film out of five stars and also give us anonymous or named feedback. We now have an incredibly huge pile of feedback forms from all the screenings. Not one of them is less than four stars and most are five. We had overwhelmingly fantastic feedback. At our screening in Manchester one member of the audience started a petition to get Still Loved on national TV. That petition is now at almost 12,000 signatures. You can add yours here
We found that our audience was made up of many people that had been affected by the loss of a baby either directly, or someone close to them. Whilst we had expected this, we hadn’t anticipated how many of them found the film to be incredibly positive and we had some wonderful comments, especially from the recently bereaved as to how the film had helped them to feel normal again and see that there is hope for the future.
What we hadn’t expected was the great quantity of midwives, student midwives, doctors and other health care professionals that came along, and how exceptionally useful they found the film. We also had funeral directors and bereavement councillors, as well as filmmakers and members of the general public. It was fantastic to hear the feedback from health care professionals as to how helpful the film had been and how it would inform their practice in the future. This couldn’t be better news as they are the ones on the front line, and this could potentially help to save babies lives in the future.
During the tour we had completely run out of money so didn’t have enough to even cover my time, as I had to take several weeks off any other kind of work to do the tour. We kept a Just Giving campaign running throughout the tour where people could donate on line and at the end of each screening we put a pot out for donations from the audience and people were generous. This covered my travel and food etc, which was very helpful. It wasn’t good to have to do this, but we didn’t have much choice. This is low budget filmmaking indeed!We are now getting enormous demand for the film to be used for training purposes and getting requests for additional screenings in universities and support services. We got an incredible two page review in The Lancet the bible for health care professionals, so this is wonderful.
As the tour drew to an end other cinemas started to contact us to book screenings for next year which is great and other people started to create their own screenings on Ourscreen. Not all of these have come off, due to the hard work it takes to do this, but some of these have already been confirmed.
At the end of the tour we screened at our first two film festivals, Cork Film Festival in Ireland and iDocs in Beijing China where we screened to over 1000 people! These were incredible experiences in their own right and you can read the blogs on links above.
We’re still hoping for a TV broadcast now we have evidence there is a big audience for our film and how many people want to see it. In the meantime, it’s now available in the UK on Vimeo on Demand. You can watch the film here
We’ll be writing to TV commissioners again and sending them facts and figures as well as reviews now the tour is over. We’re working hard to make the film available to health care professionals and others as widely as we can next year but need to raise more funding to enable us to do this. We also want to subtitle the film into several languages to make available in other countries.
I’m absolutely thrilled at the response to the film and couldn’t be happier with the outcome. I’d like to thank every single person that came out to see the film, the families in the film and all those that took part in the panel, our booker, publicists Multitude Media, Tommy’s, Sands, Our Angels, the cinemas that booked us, Ourscreen, Distribution Rewired, the Still Loved team, the journalists that covered the film and gave us great reviews, the Jessica Mathers Trust and everyone that donated to our Just Giving recently to help us fund the tour, and all those that have supported us previously and helped us get this far and anyone that has supported us in many others ways.
I hope some of this information might be useful for anyone self distributing for the first time. Good luck!
Why is stillbirth such a conversation stopper in a society that sees 7,000 babies born dead every day? That’s the question posed in a vital new feature documentary called Still Loved, which investigates the meagre support system provided to the families affected by this issue, giving them a much-needed voice.
Three years in the making, the film begins with a candle-lit vigil on International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day commemorating these children, attended by the parents and siblings who have experienced the tragedy of stillbirth. Comprising interviews that expose the emptiness and loneliness that these parents felt following their heartbreaking ordeals, director Debbie Howard seeks to offset the deafening silence that characterises their experiences. By doing so, she reveals a shocking negligence of support both professionally and personally over a topic stigmatised by what the stiff upper-lip’s of this world dub embarrassing emotionality.
Still Loved demonstrates that the physical loss of a baby is not considered in conjunction with the mental support these parents urgently need in order to cope with the passing of a child they’d created, developed a relationship with, and who had died in the hours it was anticipated that he or she would be welcomed into the world. More than a lack of closure, there is a distinct lack of compassion for the unexpected and often sudden news that their baby won’t survive, even down to definitions. One woman’s birth was signed off as an abortion, another as a stillbirth when medical negligence was the true culprit.
Hope, however, prevails, as it follows the families in their recovery, documenting the different coping mechanisms they individually apply. One starts a charity, one chairs a charity, one refuses to have another child. The process of moving on is hard, but we witness that too, as the families continue to honour their offspring’s memory. In a time of celebrating an exciting new hello, stillbirth is a poignant, shattering goodbye, and Still Loved rights a wrong in educating audiences on the importance of treating the subject with the action and compassion it deserves.
Released to coincide with Baby Loss Awareness week, Debbie Howard’s documentary hears out bereaved parents across the UK, talking with remarkable candour about their experiences of stillbirth. If the early crosscutting elides some of each case’s specificity, it succeeds in describing a more general arc, from horror and numbness to acceptance and a resolution to move forwards – either by trying to conceive again or investing creative energies in alternative projects. The process confronts us with undeniably tough material: the snapshots of the deceased sting as much as the pans across the box-fresh bibs and bootees bought in excited anticipation of the big day. (The whole film is a fleshing out of the six-word story typically attributed to Hemingway: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”) Yet you can only be struck by the resilience the interviewees display, and the trust they place in Howard – repaid several times over by a work of commemoration that will also surely provide considerable consolation.
It remains one of society’s few taboo subjects, but now a documentary hopes to explain the impact of stillbirth and bring greater understanding to an experience that often remains hidden.
Still Loved, the first feature-length film to tackle the issue, will be screened at selected cinemas throughout the UK in October. Its director, Debbie Howard, hopes that the film will not only speak to those who have suffered a loss but strip away some of society’s preconceptions about how we deal with these deaths.
“I had two different friends who lost babies and I was really affected by the profound effect it had on them,” she says. “Initially, I made a short fictional film on the subject but as I did the research and spoke to families I realised there was so much to say that it would be better as a documentary. I knew the subject matter was challenging but I felt very passionately about giving parents a voice.”
Shot over three years, the often harrowing but ultimately hopeful documentary follows a handful of parents as they discuss their experiences with an at times brutal candour, laying bare both how it feels to be told that your child has died and, crucially, how and if you can find your way back to some semblance of normality. There are scenes of despair but also of bittersweet joy as families remember their babies in moving ceremonies or conceive again.
“One of the things no one ever says about stillbirth is how it affects every area of your life,” says Mel Scott, an occupational therapist from Somerset whose baby, Finley, died during labour. “I felt really isolated after Finley died. My husband had to go back to work and I was on maternity leave but with no baby.”
Making it worse was the assumption that the grief would soon pass. “It makes me cross when people say grief has a time and you should get over it,” she says. “Life might get bigger and brighter around the pain but it’s still there.”
Lou Evans, a physiotherapist from Derbyshire, agrees. “When Lauren died I wanted the whole world to know how much pain I was inand how much I continued to be in even as the years passed,” she says. “A lot of my friends and even my husband, Matt, couldn’t always understand that. They didn’t see why the time I spent at Lauren’s grave or working with the local branch of [stillbirth charity] Sandswas therapeutic. I do think people sometimes wanted me to be quiet.”
That opinion – that those who have experienced stillbirth should grieve in silence – is still common, and Howard believes it is why she initially struggled to get the film off the ground.
“I had one very established documentary maker tell me I absolutely think this film should be made but nobody will want to show it and nobody will watch it,” she says. “It was even tough getting the cinemas on board – they would say there’s no interest, and I’d get quite annoyed and write back saying how do you know that? I didn’t think it was true.”
Michelle Hemmington, whose son, Louie, died as a result of medical negligence, believes that Howard has got the balance between honest and hopeful just right. “The film’s strength is that it isn’t overly sad,” she says. “The subject is difficult but the emotions are positive.”
The film is similarly strong in its depiction of fathers, who are often ignored in the rush to ensure that the mother is cared for. “One of the big problems is that there isn’t really anything for dads,” says Matt Grove, who admits he struggled on returning to work as a police officer. “After Ben died I went for counselling, and people were almost surprised that there was a dad there.”
Grove hopes Still Loved will reach a wide audience. “If people take one thing away it is that they should always check the baby’s movement and not worry about bothering the doctors if they feel something is wrong,” he says. “If this film manages to save lives, it will be worth it.”
Still Loved is being screened as part of International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
I set up Big Buddha Films ten years ago and have made many short films, both fiction and documentary. My latest short film, Peekaboo, was about stillbirth. When I finished it I knew I wanted to make a feature documentary about baby loss as it was something I had become very passionate about. So I started work on Still Loved.
I now realise the enormity of that decision. For a first time feature documentary maker to make a film about one of the society’s biggest taboos was no small task. There is so much stigma around baby loss. No wants to talk about it even though one in four pregnancies end in a loss. We dealt with closed doors from the industry all along the way. We were continuously told, “There is no interest in this subject.” This shocked me. I think the point of documentaries is to educate and challenge attitudes, to make change. But I didn’t give up.
Four years later and we are now releasing Still Loved into cinemas across the UK in October, during Baby Loss Awareness Month. We have a Distributor onboard CatnDocs and we screen at our first two film festivals in November. We have made a powerful, sensitive, thought-provoking film that I am very proud of.
We shot Still Loved over 3 years working closely with seven families. Most of the film was shot on a Sony PMW 200. Our DoP, Emma Dalesman did an incredible job. For scenes that needed a certain look we used a Canon C300 with sliders and macro lenses and a Sony FS7. We also used a drone and Go Pro’s and some of the contributors also self shot on small video cameras and phones for a much more personal feel.
We filmed close-up intimate shots of the babies items on motion control with Charlie Paul at Itch Studio. They specialise in working with documentary filmmakers and have a truly creative approach to examining and treating memorabilia, photos, archive film and materials in an innovative way to tailor a unique style for each of the films they work on. Charlie used a DSLR camera with long focal length macro lenses mounted on the rig. He shot high resolution time-lapse sequences which allowed us to move the camera at exceptionally slow speeds with shallow depth of field and long exposure shutter speeds.
Still Loved was beautifully edited by Joby Gee and the Supervising Sound Editor was George Foulgham. Post production was completed at Molinare, London.
The tragedy of one in four pregnancies is that it ends in a loss which can include miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies and stillbirths.
But the stigma of talking about the death of babies means that parents are suffering in silence.
International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day falls on October 15, and it’s a time when those who have lived through the pain of losing their child at birth hope their stories will give strength to others.
Mum Lou’s son says that her first child, a son named Finley, was 10 weeks premature and spent a long period in the neonatal unit.
“I had this feeling of doom,” she says. “As the pregnancy progressed I was more more and depressed and more and more anxious.”
On January 9, 2009, when Lou was 36 weeks pregnant she suddenly became aware that he was in a lot of pain in her abdomen coming in waves.
Believing she had gone into labour, she leaped up and thought her waters broke. Running upstairs to tell her husband, Matt, she said: “The baby’s coming, the baby’s coming.”
He turned to her and, Lou says: “My jeans were soaked in blood.”
Lou says she was in a state of denial and was laughing and joking with the paramedics, but she was really in shock about what was happening.
She wasn’t the only one struggling with the horrific reality: “Something in Matt just snapped. He was like a wild animal. He was howling, thumping his head, thumping the walls.
“For the moment, I forgot the terrible labour pain I was in and the midwife had to focus on him.”
Matt said he had to leave and apologised to Lou.
She recalls: “The only saving grace of it was that my labour with Lauren was very brief and because she had only died a few hours before she was born, her appearance was not of a baby who had died.
“She just looked a little bit paler than normal, but it really just was of a baby who was asleep.”
Lou is just one of seven mums – and dads – who have shared their tragic stories with the makers of a new documentary which examines those families who have heartbreak visited upon them when a baby is stillborn.
Called Still Loved, the film – released to coincide with Baby Loss Awareness Month – follows seven couples, showing their stories of stillbirth and providing a profound insight into the effects of the death of a baby.
The documentary, from Big Buddha Films , gives a voice to all those affected, from bereaved mothers to often-overlooked fathers, many of whom open up about their experience for the first time ever on camera.
This is a brave, inclusive and important film for all, not just those with first-hand experience of baby loss.
Beth and Steve tell the heartbreaking story of the loss of Felicity and Harriet, their twins – although, when they first found out Beth was pregnant: “We had no idea that our little miracle was actually two.”
On July 2, 2012, while staying in Yorkshire, Beth went into labour at 21 weeks, and the babies did not survive.
“There was no hope for either of them,” Beth remembers. “You could see on the scan they were struggling.”
“[Medical staff] came in to explain our options. We could either wait for contractions to come on or they needed to induce so that I was OK. The induction is essentially an abortion, and that’s what they made me sign for.”
The babies were born together, which Beth says “gave us a bit of comfort”.
Beth adds: “I am a mum and [Steve’s] a dad, but we don’t have any children.”
Couple Juliette and Matt were thrilled when they found out that they were expecting a boy, and say the pregnancy was not a difficult one.
Ben was stillborn on November 26 weighing 6lbs.
“Small but perfectly formed, we like to say,” Juliette smiles.
Although she spent time with Ben and bathed him, Matt admits it was something he stepped back from.
“I couldn’t be there for that, I said to myself ‘I don’t think I can cope with that’. I went outside and spoke to my parents.
“To this day, I regret not doing that.
“We had four hours with Ben, which was lovely.”
Juliette adds: “You find yourself making a lifetime of memories in a very very short space of time.”
Following the loss, Matt admits he ‘felt a lot of anger’ and was expected just to get on with his life regardless.
Still Loved is supported by Tommy’s, the baby charity which funds research into stillbirth, miscarriage and pregnancy complications.
The film’s director Debbie Howard says that despite the taboos surrounding stillbirths, “the parents were very happy to finally have a voice”.
“When a baby dies, it’s still a baby. It’s still a child that is loved, cherished and wanted.
“Parents feel they can’t talk about their baby because other people don’t know how to cope with it.”
Debbie says that it wasn’t hard to find families who wanted to share their stories, and we should encourage this openness.
“We’re really bad at talking about death and grief in our society, we’re closed about that sort of thing. And it’s massively heightened when it comes to the death of a baby.
“People don’t know the statistics and they fail to realise that it’s someone’s child who has died, someone’s baby.
“You’ve thought about names, talked about them with their siblings, you’ve thought about and planned future events, and then your child dies.”
Debbie says that a pregnancy is no guarantee that parents will end up with a live baby, and the statistics show that their are many parents like those in the documentary.
“The anticipation means people have decorated nurseries, bought clothes and pushchairs, and then are left with all that stuff. It’s heartbreaking.
“What do you do with all that stuff after the baby is gone?
“And what does it mean if it was your first child – you ask yourself ‘am I a mum or a dad?’, ‘am I a parent if my baby has not survived?’.”
The film has a digital release on November 1. For further information, visit the website .
Next week sees the release of Still Loved, a groundbreakingly honest documentary exploring baby loss. One of the parents in the film, Bethany Morris, shared her story with us.
Posted on 23/09/2016
“It’s OK, you can have another one.”
Those were the words that are so often uttered by means of consolation to families who’ve lost a child or children during pregnancy. Perhaps before we lost our precious twins, Harriet and Felicity, I might have unwittingly used them myself, had I been faced with a situation of baby loss. But hearing those words not a week after our loss made me realise something. They made me realise that the loss of a baby is a lonely, desolate experience. Nobody seems to understand or dare to try.
If, like ours, a baby is lost before it is born, to most people that baby doesn’t seem real, as they didn’t know it as a person. They had not spent months planning a future for their bump, they hadn’t agonised over names, they hadn’t seen that baby come to life on an ultrasound screen, talked to the bump, felt it kick, played it music.
To them it was merely a bump, a bump that can be replaced. Funny, isn’t it: if someone’s brother, mother, friend died, you wouldn’t tell them it’s OK, you can have another, would you?
“One in four pregnancies results in a loss and every day just in the UK 10 families are devastated by stillbirth. We should not have felt so alone in our loss, but we did.”
After giving birth to my silent little girls, it was this loneliness that I found so hard. I couldn’t be with my friends anymore; I was scared to leave the house in case I saw other babies or pregnant women; I couldn’t even be with my family as their lives were continuing while mine felt as though it had fallen in to a dark pit.
But my girls made me find the strength. I refused to be quiet; I didn’t want to pretend they weren’t real. As they were born before 24 weeks they didn’t get a birth certificate. Technically they never even existed, so I wanted to make sure people knew about them and how special they were. To talk about them, to make their lives matter, even if that made people uncomfortable.
It was this need to create a legacy for my daughters, a need to make their voices heard and their lives matter that led my husband and I to share our experience as part of the Still Loved film. To break the silence of baby loss. The film is an uplifting story celebrating the resilience of the human spirit and exploring the complexity and reality for families surviving baby loss.
One in four pregnancies results in a loss and every day just in the UK 10 families are devastated by stillbirth (loss after 24 weeks). We should not have felt so alone in our loss, but we did.
By sharing the very personal journeys of a number of families through grief, despair, determination and hope, the production company Big Buddha Films is giving a voice to this important issue and by doing so, we hope, making people more aware and more understanding.
Through our work on the film and through social media I found others who knew how this felt. Others who could help me see that one day there would be light again. People who helped my husband and I create a voice for Hattie and Flic and to spend our lives raising money to help prevent other babies being lost.
Our daughters have made me who I am now, and I am grateful to them for showing how to treasure what really matters. Please support your local screening of Still Loved and help us break the silence of baby loss. It is a story of hope in adversity and it may prepare you to have real empathy one day if you need to.
Still Loved will be in cinemas from 4 October and available on digital from 1 November. October is Baby Loss Awareness Month.